Pin Money? *

When my third daughter, Camille (now age 7), was 4 she started asking for violin lessons.  I was very excited about her new desire, and especially because it seemed to come from "within."  Her older two sisters play piano, and are basically forced to play because I am an amateur piano teacher and accompanist.  The only problem with Camille's dream was that it would require MONEY.  I had started the older two on the piano around age 5, and then moved them on to a private teacher in the 5th and 4th grades.  The piano we already owned, so the first 5 or 6 years of lessons were free.  My husband is very frugal, and usually I recognize this as a good thing.  We rarely fight about money, have a shared checking account, complete transparency about investments, and are often able to reconcile our differences about how money should be spent.  Camille's aspiration however, posed a major challenge to this previously copacetic money relationship.

I started investigating the costs of this endeavor when Camille started kindergarten.  The going rate for 1/2 hour lessons in our area is $30-35, and a violin rental is about $30/month = $150/month or $1800/year.  Our amazing piano teacher grossly undercharges for her lessons, so my husband argued that we could only afford violin lessons at the same discounted rate.  But alas, there were no such teachers.  I found myself begging and pleading him to relent and pay for the lessons and violin; that this was Camille's dream, that she was self-motivated, that you only have childhood to really learn music, etc....I would take every opportunity to lobby on behalf of Camille, until Jeff said we just couldn't afford it.  Meanwhile, I shared our problem with a dear friend of mine who plays the violin, and she offered to get Camille started, but that she could only teach her for 6 months.  Yeah!  We started going to Lori's house weekly, and Camille was in heaven with her violin and her teacher.  When school ended Lori gently urged me to find a professional teacher.  Oh no!  This meant back to the drawing board with Jeff!  The begging and pleading began again, me often feeling like a petulant child or a groveling servant, and he (I assume) feeling trapped because he wanted the begging to stop, but feared taking on this new financial outlay.  One night the solution came to me, why not have him pay the rate that we pay our piano teacher , and I'll make up the rest (more than half the cost) with the money I take in from teaching piano lessons? (This money has always been put in a fund for a new piano, called the "piano fund").  He was amenable to this idea, it meant that Camille would be getting her fair share of music lesson money, and that I would be taking on some of the financial responsibility.

This seemed like the perfect solution until the first payment to the new violin teacher was due.  I had hoped that when it came time to write the check Jeff would gallantly step in and say, "Oh, don't worry about your portion.  It'll take so much longer to save up for the new piano. We can afford it."  But he didn't.  My resentment grew until I exploded one night, and accused him of treating me like a child by not paying the full price himself.  I slept on the couch that night. Out of desperation I called a sister, who firmly told me that if I reneged on our deal, then I really was a child, and worse, that I was treating Jeff like my daddy.  Whoa....

Since this explosion I have learned a few things: 1) I am much more invested in how Camille does at her weekly lessons, and how the teacher teaches because it's my money being used, 2) by being financially responsible for this very small part of our family budget I feel a sense of satisfaction, and 3) by maintaining my end of this bargain I feel a little less indebted to Jeff and his paycheck.

However, many questions arise from this scenario that are still unanswered in my mind:

1)  Are women who are dependent on their husband's salaries adults?  In other words, if I have to make a case or beg for money for what I think is a valuable project, does that mean that I am a child and my husband is the daddy?

2)  How should spouses settle money disputes when there is an imbalance in financial contributions?

3) Is it possible to get rid of the feeling of "asking" for money when you're not the one earning it?  And if not, then go to question 1 - how do we define ourselves, or view ourselves when we're not the earners?  If this adult/child disconnect persists, is being financially independent the only solution?

I would really love responses from all perspectives, people in my similar situation, as well as those of you who are contributors if not majority contributors in your household.



*
Meaning of "Pin Money" (http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/283200.html)


Originally a small allowance given to a woman in order to purchase clothes etc. for herself. More recently it is used to describe any small amount of money which might be earned by children or the low-paid for some service.
The earlier usage is quite old and is alluded to in the 16th century in The Testamenta Eboracensia - A Selection of Wills from the Registry at York, 1542:
"I give my said doughter Margarett my lease of the parsonadge of Kirkdall Churche.. to by her pynnes withal."
The first explicit mention of 'pin money' is in John Dryden's comedy Amphitryon, or the two Sosias, 1690:
"There's Pin-money, and Ali-money, and Seperate maintenance."