I decided to start this blog because I now have a thirteen year-old daughter, and would like to discuss some of the issues that affect girls this age as they mature. I welcome all comments, and would like to encourage you to speak up and contribute. This first post addresses what I believe to be one of the most threatening aspects of growing up a girl: oral sex.
Caution and apologies: This writing is for mature audience, PG-12/13. I sincerely apologize if what and how I write is offensive or hurtful or maybe just callous. Trying to navigate these issues is difficult, and my language skills are not well refined. I also recognize that there is quite a bit of feminist scholarship in this area - I didn't want to appeal to any particular thinker in my writings, but if you do, please feel free in your comments.
A few months ago my daughter and I were invited to a mother daughter book club. The book they were reading was Meg Cabot's Size 12 is Not Fat. My daughter read the book first and then gave it to me a couple days before the meeting. This book is set in a college dorm and the main character is an RA in the dorm. Casual sex and oral sex are referred to in this book as part of college life, like eating in the cafeteria or studying in the library (needless to say, none of the characters in this book every studied or went to class). After reading about half of the book I was annoyed that Meg Cabot would encourage this view that casual sex is normal, no big deal. I asked my daughter what she thought of the book, and she told me she didn't like it much. We then talked about why casual sex is not conducive to lasting relationships, and went to the book club. At the book club it seemed that most of the mothers were shy about talking about the issues surrounding casual sex, and wanted to stay in the safer territory of character development. On the way home, feeling this nagging feeling that I should say something more specific about sex, I asked my daughter if she knew what oral sex is. I remember feeling like I was diving off the high dive when I asked her, a little afraid and a lot uncertain about the result. She said no, and that she just glossed over those passages. I then told her what it was, to which she replied "oh gross!!" - exactly. I tried to explain how boys try to convince girls to perform oral sex in order to manipulate them, oppress them, and maintain power in a relationship which the girl vainly hopes is true love. (granted, many boys may not realize that what they are doing is sexual oppression...) After she went to bed I still felt uncertain that I had done the right thing by giving her all this information. I felt as though I had taken her innocence. She would now always have this image in her mind of the truth of oral sex, one that she had not had until now. It felt like I had told her that Santa Clause isn't real, but worse.
But why is explaining oral sex harder/ more uncomfortable than explaining regular sex? Well, regular sex has some very important positive outcomes: babies, intimacy, endorphins, etc..., and while oral sex can increase a couple's intimacy it is often tainted, at least for me, by the spectre of oppression. Yes, both people can do it to each other so it doesn't have to be a one way street, but when many of us first encounter oral sex (and "hand jobs"), it is usually in junior high, when we are too young to process what the social ramifications of one-way sex are. I'm calling it one-way sex because the person who performs the act has no assurance that it will be reciprocated.
Two weeks ago my daughter was at a birthday party. One of her friends showed up late and announced to the group that she had broken up with her boyfriend. During the party, at which they were frosting cupcakes and watching Julie and Julia, the ex-boyfriend texted the girl, asking her to give him a hand job because some other girl had done it. When my daughter told me this she said, "Isn't he disgusting?" Of course, but what I wanted to know was why? Why after the girl had broken up with him, did he essentially dare her to perform this act of subservience? He wasn't trying to win her over, he was trying to intimidate and control her. This, I felt, is the birth of male dominance. My daughter and I talked about it on the way to school; about how the boy was trying to control and manipulate the girl, how he obviously didn't care about her. My final comment was, "Boys and their penises, I just don't know why... [sigh]". This was probably not helpful, but I myself was having to confront the oral sex demons from my junior high years in this short 7 minute car ride.
As I was thinking about this yesterday, I came to the conclusion that oral sex in the middle school years is perhaps one of the first outward signs or power plays of male dominance in our society. Why? It is usually introduced by boys. 12 year old girls are most likely unable to conjure up the idea on their own that by stimulating a boys penis she will win his attention. She could only know this if someone told her. And the idea is shocking and disgusting to a young girl. Even if girls can rally together and condemn the boy, as happened at the birthday party, the idea that it's possible to win over a boy with oral sex is now in their consciousness. It might one day appear to them as the thing to do, however revolting, demeaning or devoid of mutual assurance. When this happens the force of male dominance wins because the girl decides that she will sell her dignity for the possibility of affection, or social acceptance. The inequality of power in this situation is what harms our girls and our society. It is what we as parents fear - that our girls will not consider themselves powerful enough to say no to one way sex.
There is so much more to say on this and related topics. I would love to hear your ideas and comments!!
.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Loved this, I think sometimes we as parents are just as naive or want to stick our heads in the sand about oral sex and our middle school daughters as our young girls are. It is uncomfortable to talk about and you do feel like you are jumping off the high dive, but it's so important to discuss it with daughter. Thank you Rebekah.
ReplyDeleteI think these types of dicussions with our kids are especially helpful because they function at two levels. At the "content level," they communicate information as well as our beliefs and values about the topics. At the "relationship level," they teach our kids that these are important topics, that we value our kids and their happiness, that we are willing and open to talk with them, and that we have a certain level of trust in them. I guess my point is that sometimes *what* we say is somewhat incidental to the fact that we're even talking about dicey subjects in a safe, open environment. Good stuff -- I'm looking foward to much more!
ReplyDelete-- Susan BK
Thank you for this post. I think that my parents had their heads in the sand & I hope that I am as open and honest with my girls as you have been. Fred & I have started talking about how we will address some of these issues - especially as they relate to our girls' sense of power and self. I agree with Susan that the fact that the conversation occurred may be more important than anything in particular that was said.
ReplyDeleteAs it is we are beginning to deal with 1st crushes (which I think is more the peer inspired idea that she should have a crush, than an actual crush - if that makes any sense).
Thrilled to be able to read your thoughts on this, or any topic. I'm impressed that your daughter would tell you about the party text at all - as Susan BK said, the value of this conversation from a relationship standpoint is huge.
ReplyDeleteOh, now I think I need to talk to Gretchen about it. She would be horrified if I even brought it up. At our jr. high it is a huge problem and it scares me. I am impressed with how much you have discussed it with your daughter and help her understand.
ReplyDelete