A dear friend of mine said recently that being at home is like being on a hamster wheel. I had never heard our occupation described so accurately before, and it stuck with me (I've now noticed with the help of Google that this is almost a cliche, but ...) You know the usual litany of complaints: laundry and dishes that are never finished, the un-ending demand of feeding people, and the house becoming a cage, a trap. But this image of being on a hamster wheel has haunted me for awhile now because it has made me wonder: Who am I? Am I a hamster?
Being a feminist mother at home generates a problem of identity. I have complained that I feel like an extension of the house a la the Jetsons. In my youth I had never envisioned myself a hamster or a robot. And although I have a fairly clear idea of what I want to be/who I want to be/what I want to do, I have relatively no idea of how to get there. I've spoken to many mom friends about this problem, and how getting into the workforce is complicated by the fact that we spend 5,10,15 years doing, well, nothing. Staying home with my kids I tell myself is what I really want to do because it's what's best for the children. I also tell myself that I am so blessed to be able to stay home and not have to worry about paying the bills. (Let alone the safety, security and benefits of wealth that living in the US provides). But even after repeating these mantras a thousand times a day I can't deny my boredom. This stagnation is soul crushing. There are times I want to scream or run away. My nine-year daughter asked me the other day, "What's it like to be a mom?" I answered, "boring." I felt it so strongly that I didn't even think to lie. I am dying for generativity, but feel trapped (yes, I think Erickson got it right here). The feminist problem is that motherhood and domestic responsibility never go away, and you can't break free to start over (even though there have been times when the thought crossed my mind). It seems that one of the biggest obstacles for women who stay home for a period of time is figuring out how to become a person again while meeting maternal and domestic responsibilities.
On a side note, I have to acknowledge the progress feminists in our past have made in giving me the chance to complain about my freedom. The economic problem of women not having access to meaningful self-supporting work is greatly diminished now. Virgina Woolf in her essay A Room of One's Own wrote about the time she had to work to support herself before receiving a lifelong inheritance:
But what still remains with me as a worse infliction [than working] was the poison of fear and bitterness those days bred in me. To begin with, always to be doing work that one did not wish to do, and to do it like a slave, flattering and fawning, not always necessarily perhaps, but it seemed necessary and the stakes were too great to run risks; and then the thought of that one gift which it was death to hide - a small but dear to the possessor - perishing and with it myself, my soul - all this became like rust eating away the bloom of the spring, destroying the tree at its hear.Many women still have to perform soul-crushing work to provide for themselves and their families, and many women do this alone. Writing this makes me want to stop complaining right now, but the identity problem still persists, and it's solution is not obvious.
When I finished graduate school a few of my professors encouraged me to apply for PhD programs in philosophy here. At the time I felt that the stress of the Masters degree and its threat to my marriage acutely. I took their advice as compliments, but never intended to heed it. Now I can't look at those first years here without regret. Who would I be if I had followed their advice? How would I think? What ideas and problems would attract my mind? Obviously not what pillow pattern looks best on the porch!
With regards to my daughters I am often thinking about how to strategically prepare them to make the right choices now so that doors aren't closed, even psychological ones, that they may regret later. Growing up in the seventies I vividly remember my music teacher, Miss Sweet, playing the "Free to Be You and Me" record nearly every class time (or so it seemed). This little bit of brainwashing almost worked. Now looking back on the choices I made as a young woman I realize that I maybe wasn't so free to be me as I would want my daughters to be. On the other hand, perhaps being free is not even part of the female experience since we all have the weight of maternity in our lives (whether we actually become mothers or not the issue is still forefront). I've started having conversations with them that start usual, what do you want to be when you grow up?, but then lead into talking about how that particular career path, way of being, can be melded with motherhood. With my eldest we have started talking about when to start a family, me highlighting from my own experience, that starting too soon is limiting.
My question to you is a normative one, should we be engaged in the angst-ridden search and development of identity or should we accept our blessed station and learn to "enjoy" it? Then pragmatically, if these aren't mutually exclusive positions, maybe obviously so, how do we stop being hamsters?
I liked how Caitlin Flanagan, came to terms with being a stay at home feminist mom in To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife. She used the term "post modern feminist," meaning that she claims to all the same rights as men, including equal pay, etc, as well as choosing to stay home and raise her kids, on her terms, like no one expecting her to scrub the wallpaper twice yearly.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of coming to terms with the hamster wheel has to do with expectations. We are lucky to live on this post-modern era where individual freedom and autonomy is pretty much universally esteemed (if you want to plant a vegetable garden or not, great! scrapbook or not, great! sign your kids up for a million activities or not, great! write a book or not, great! eat out or cook yourself, great!) So we get to set our own standards and expectations, which in itself is a paradox, because if we set them low, we don't enjoy the rewards of accomplishment(like me training my kids to eat cold cereal everyday), or if you set them too high you have to deal with feelings of guilt or get used to falling short.
Another huge issue, linked to identity is fulfillment. It is one thing to stay home with your kids because you believe it is the right thing for them, but an entirely different thing to stay home with your kids and find fulfillment in doing it. Even if you enter the workplace later in life you will still have the mundane tasks of laundry and dishes waiting for you at home (or you could hire someone to do them), so the challenge is to find the kind of fulfillment you are looking for in the workplace, at home. Being the Jetson's robot maid is a pretty thankless job, so you have to find something more meaningful. Telling yourself that you are staying home for the kids, and being grateful for being able to do it, are not mantras. It has to be about you, something that helps you develop as a person. If it is affirmation that you need, unless you want to start at at-home business or start competing with your friends in the domestic arts, you might have to be self affirming. (or is that too much like the hamster eating it's own poop, Wow, Rebekah you made a great chocolate cake,I know isn't it great) OK, so maybe the problem is more of a "generative" one. Like you won't have a feeling of accomplishment until you are accomplishing something. (which raising your kids with the your values of hard work and a thirst for knowledge and a general stick-to-it-tivness, and a great self esteem is huge accomplishment.) So do you lose yourself in raising your kids and finding that elusive fulfillment in their development (hooray Celeste pooped on the potty today, now don't I just feel great about myself as a mother?), or, find some other distraction to feel fulfilled while you are staying at home with them?
I think a good way to stop being a hamster is to talk to your sister on the phone while doing the mundane tasks (oh, wait you already do that) but really, not think about the mundane things and employ your higher faculties like John Stewart Milne suggest because "it is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied."
So you are doing a great job, in the not being satisfied with the mundane aspect.
Mill, not Milne, sorry I got Pooh brain.
ReplyDeleteAaron just told me that he had to input 270 line items into a set of plans. When I told him that numbers like that sound so tedious he responded "that is part of the profession." Hum...so its not just SAHMs that deal with tedium. Of course he also got a bonus at the end of the week...while I am angling to get 15 minutes a day to work in the garden.
ReplyDeleteI've recently heard a nice sound-bite of advice. To do one thing everyday that won't be immediately undone. I like that, and in doing something like that it opens my imagination about what my day will be and when that one thing gets done I have the feeling of accomplishment that is otherwise missing in the dishes/sweep/dishes/sweep cycle (laundry...and i supposed to be doing THAT too?)
There are hamster wheels everywhere. At work, at home, at school! One thing that I have learned from people that I think really "get" life is to live it. Love it. You have somehow gotten yourself to where you are and you have to own that. You married your husband, so love him. You decided to have children, so love them. Everyone has a role and dishes and laundry have to be done. So, why not love doing them? One day the kids will be gone, and the house will be quiet, and there won't be as much laundry, or homework, or soccer practice. I'm not saying you have to sing a little song while doing the mundane, but why let it bring you down?
ReplyDeleteYou are obviously not a hamster, because you are not content to be running on the wheel! Be grateful, but find what will fulfill you, as a woman, mother, wife, student, etc., at this time in your life. We were made to physically, mentally and spiritually progress. Without it we are stifled and unfulfilled hamsters running on a wheel. I love the idea of owning your choices and loving them, but everyone is fulfilled in different ways. Some women find that growth in staying home and raising children and taking care of everyone's needs. Others need the pay check or praise from outside sources. You have to figure out what works for you. I found I resented my family when I felt I had to be home doing dishes, laundry, cleaning and so on. Troy always calls these times my crossroads, when I get to a place where my growth is staggering and I've got to find a new way to express who I am or find a new way/area to grow in. I definitely understand your feeling of being trapped. I have also discovered that I don't need the pay check to be fulfilled. About 8 years ago I became an advocate of the court system for abused children. I was constantly learning (about the law, social services, children s rights), it was on my own time (the beauty of volunteer work) and it fulfilled my needs to help/work with youth. (It will also look great on a resume one day). When we moved to Utah I took a class at the U every semester just to fulfill my need to learn and grow. I found I'm still always changing and am much happier in a state of learning. I have had times where I've had to stop going to a class mid semester because life has changed, so you also learn to be flexible. (I'm relearning that lesson right now in my life, sort of got myself trapped again and am learning how to get control so I can be happy and love this choice we made). I don't have the time or energy yet to go back to school full time, but I have found that as long as I take that little bit of time to learn more about me and who I am, I love my family more and don't find the remedial tasks so dismal and depressing. I've found I love to cook, but we keep a couple frozen meals in the freezer and a 20 on the fridge for the nights I don't make it home or am running kids everywhere. There are even days I enjoy the running around, I am in a place where I enjoy hanging with the kids and being involved in what they are learning and doing. I will also, say I think it gets easier as the kids get older, so have hope. Just look for the things to feed you and help you with your identity now and keep the PhD within grasp, just know it's a few years down the road. If not, you still won't feel fulfilled when you receive your PhD. And as women we have to remember that everyone is at a different place with who they are and how much growth they need to feel fulfilled as an individual. If you really need that pay check and praise from an employer to be who you are or to be happy, get a job. It's not worth resenting your family.
ReplyDeleteSo, reading this reminded me why I loved being around you in NY. You were always asking questions and pondering things, I had never had such an inquisitive friend before. I love discussing the questions, never any good at thinking them up. You should find a professor that would let you walk in on research studies when your time permits or would let you help write up the research ideas. You could give those kids a run for their money.