I have loved reading the various comments to "Am I a Hamster" on the blog and on facebook. Common throughout all the comments was a palpable sense of support and empathy. It's heartening to know that other mothers feel the same way, and that working moms are also afflicted by questions of identity.
Last night I had a conversation with a woman who helped to pull this problem into perspective. She is a mother of five, whose last child graduated from Phillips Academy on Sunday. We had them over for a celebration dinner where I got to meet all her grown children and some of their spouses. All of her children are kind, thoughtful, positive, intellectually engaged and engaging - ultimately the type of adults I would want to raise. As she attempted to start the mountain of dishes, I said, "You don't need to do that. You're on vacation, not on your hamster wheel." We then started to talk about hamsterness, me confessing my apparent loss of self. She said many things that inspired me, and I can't possibly quote her exactly, but I'll share a few of her ideas here.
First, she said that all intelligent women hit a wall staying at home, where everything feels meaningless and mind-numbing. This wall is part of the process of figuring out the next phase. Without experiencing this existential conflict we wouldn't be able to have productive, meaningful lives after the kids are grown. During these at home years, we can incubate our plans and dreams, and she emphasized that these years do go by quickly. She also said that you can never re-do the years when your kids need you. You can't go back and try again like so many other things in life. So, why not give it your best? I then told her about not being able to lie to my nine year old when asked what it's like to be a mom. Her answer to this cut me to the quick. She said, your kids know that you are sacrificing for them by being emotionally here for them, by not being preoccupied with developing your "self". If they see your devotion in the work you do for them (and not just the cleaning and the cooking although these are essential to life), they will feel your love - that they are more important to you than you are to yourself. This sense of love, she said, will give them the confidence, self-assurance and stability they need to become the kind, thoughtful and generative people you want them to become. This advice brought me to tears (yes, in front of all 10 young adults!), because I realized that the converse must also be true. That is, if my children sense my resentment, dissatisfaction, annoyance and angst, then they will know that they are not the most important part of my life.
The hard part in all of this, is that in order to have a meaningful future after the kids are grown, I have to experience the threat of hamsterness, but keep it in check. Quite a challenge. She encouraged me to continue to make plans for the future because that will give me the hope that I need to know that my identity will not be lost; that I will not become a hamster when this is all over.
Thank you readers, for reading and commenting. Knowing that you are reading helps me to think these problems through, and try to come to a place of peace as a woman and a feminist at home.
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Wow, what a powerful conversation. Thank you for sharing it. Jen
ReplyDeleteI don't think her point was to make you feel more pressure and guilt! To be honest I think one of the most important things my mother gave me was the idea that I WASN'T everything to her. That is a lot of pressure for a kid to feel. They can then sense that the happiness of the parent depends on the success of the child instead of the parent's own interests and goals. My mom had her own life and kind of let me have mine. She never came to school events unless I asked her and i rarely did. I had my turf and she had hers. Sometimes I think that it is important for a child to feel like their happiness isn't dependent on someone else doing something for them. At some point they need to realize that they need to make their own joy. I keep trying to get my daughter to do this. She needs to learn how to entertain herself and do things on her own. There is no thrill in getting her her cereal in the morning. I can't wait for each new step of independence. I want to be there completely on an emotional level, but I am all about getting out of as many of the hamster tasks as possible!
ReplyDeleteI tried to tell you the same thing on the phone the first time you told me about your 9 year old asking that question. I am glad Mrs. F was able to put it in a way that struck a cord with you, becasue I certainly wasn't.
ReplyDeleteYour kids are lucky to have a mom who is so emotionally invested in them. Don't sell yourself short with cynical remarks that diminish all the great things your family really does have going on. You are teaching them by example how to view themselves and value the roles they will be filling at various seasons in their lives. You don't have to lie to them, but like I said before, you have to find deeper meaning. Just like how you don't obsess over how big you think your butt has gotten in front of them in order to not pass down them a distorted body image complex, you need to actually find the positive and seek fulfillment in being their mother, for yourself and them. If you were being completely honest, and not cynical you would admit that you are not staying home with them just for them. Making this sacrifice is helping you become the person you want to be, otherwise you would not be doing it. So, discover those reasons, and embrace them. Don't tell yourself that being a mother is menial or meaningless, becasue you know that it is not.
I hope this comment doesn't sound too preachy. You can erase it if it does and call me up and put me straight. This topic has really helped me think about my own life and my view of motherhood. Keep going with the good blog post topics!
While these are serious topics, isn't it so fun to be able to have great conversations about important and meaningful ideas! It feels like bookclub! (sniff-sniff for me)
ReplyDeleteOk, here's my perspective (ever-changing, never settled, feel free to disagree): At the risk of sounding trite, both what you learned from your conversation with a wise friend, and Simeen's experience with her Mom point towards the idea that there is no one right way to form our identity and relationships (whether parent-child, between friends, or whatever). That's the challenge and beauty of life, where we grapple along, learning from others, finding personal inspiration, reeling from mistakes and wrong paths, figuring out what works best for us. And, doesn't it seem that when we do feel confident with ourselves and our approach to life, something comes along that forces us to continue that constant process of self-assessment and change. And, since it's hard for me to separate these ideas from spirituality, I would venture that this is the point of our existence: to learn and progress while existing in a physical, material world. Our spirituality is what allows us to grapple with these questions and gain insights that offer both comfort and direction (often through others -- I strongly believe that!).
I have really, really enjoyed reading the interviews and profiles at "The Mormon Woman Project." http://www.mormonwomen.com/ Are you familiar with it? This is a fascinating series that looks at the lives and experiences of Mormon women. What strikes me is the often divergent paths and decisions the women have made, but all in following their own revelation. This seems so obvious a statement as I write it here, but reading about these diverse women (not just in the obvious ways like ethnicity, country of origin, age, etc.) and how they've navigated their spiritual lives gives me tremendous hope and perspective.
Susan BK
p.s. please excuse my addiction to parentheses. I am incapable of writing with out them (truly).
Rebekah, I read this quote today and felt like it was perfect for this topic and sums up what I've been thinking about your recent posts. "Life is made of moments, small pieces of silver amidst long stretches of tedium. It would be wonderful if they came to us unsummoned, but particularly in lives as busy as the ones most of us lead now, that won't happen. We have to teach ourselves now to live, really live...to love the journey, not the destination." - Anna Quindlen
ReplyDeleteI know I'm new to the whole motherhood thing so you don't have to take my opinion too seriously. But everybody is always telling us "Oh treasure Addie, she'll be grown before you know it." With the constant fussiness because of her reflux I found myself losing the days because I was caught up in the crying and diapers and lack of sleep. But I don't ever want to look back and feel that I missed those precious early moments, especially with my first child. So even though some days are hard I've been trying so hard to be present in my own life and appreciate all that comes with being a mother. It's why I record all the little details on my blog and take a million pictures. Most days those are just the "small pieces of silver" in an otherwise rough day, but those are the moments I want to appreciate and remember.
Maybe I should have just stopped at the Quindlen quote. She says it much more eloquently!
What a great experience that you were able to meet and converse with this woman who obviously has experience and advise. I relish being in the presence of these people. Thanks for sharing what you have learned!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Simeen - big shock there. I think it is very valuable for children (especially daughters) to see that their mother has her own identity. To understand that as mothers we sacrifice some things that we would like to do & we make sure to allow our families to sacrifice a little for our needs. I haven't found the balance in this yet, but I do think that as girls get a bit older and able to really begin to understand sacrifice - it is beneficial for them to know what we have given up to be there for them. It doesn't have to make them feel guilty. I think that understanding what my mother was setting aside (temporarily) because I needed her, reinforced, in a way that words could not have, her love for me. She didn't give up all of her interests & we understood that some of her volunteer work would mean that she couldn't do everything for us. Her role in the greater community made me see her in a different light. I understood that she was really very smart & talented - and not just my "mom".
ReplyDeleteI'm not certain that your conclusion is true. I don't think that sensing dissatisfaction and/or annoyance is inherently damaging to a child. If that is the ONLY reaction that she gets from her mother, obviously it would be detrimental. But if these feelings are not the "norm", but accompany love and kindness, excitement, etc. dealing with these feelings can lead to valuable teaching moments. Honestly, I believe that the idea that motherhood is all sunshine and roses is much more dangerous. Showing how to deal with different feelings and moods in a healthy - adult - way is just another means of teaching our children how we must stretch to achieve our greatest potential. I love how Susan related this to our spiritual progression. If this life is the time for us to grow and develop - the safest way for our daughters to gain the courage to face difficulties, is to see their mothers deal with them. Too many children (and adults) are under the impression that if everything isn't great or perfect they should walk away or blame others.
I'm obviously overtired & random at the moment, but I really appreciate your thoughts on this subject. It is something that I've been grappling with and it is nice to know we are all in it together. What a blessing to have this woman come into your life at a moment when you were ready to learn from her life experience.